Making with the funny

A good friend of my father's sent me the following in an email a while back.

A Brief History of Our Ancestors

Division of the human family into two distinct
political groups began some 12,000 years ago.
Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic
hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the
mountains in the summer and would go to the beach
and live on fish and lobster in winter.

The two most important events in all of history
were the invention of beer and the invention of the
wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the
beer. These were the foundation of modern
civilization and together were the catalyst for the
splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

Liberals and Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and
that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the
glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so
while our early human ancestors were sitting around
waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed
close to the brewery. That is how villages were
formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing
animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking
beer. This was the beginning of what is known as
"The Conservative Movement".

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at
hunting learned to live off the conservatives by
showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the
sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the
beginning of the "Liberal Movement". Some of these
liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest
became known as 'girliemen'.

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the
domestication of cats, the trade union, the
invention of group therapy and group hugs, and the
concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide
the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years, conservatives came to be
symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal
on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized
by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime
added), but most prefer white wine or imported
bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their
beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are
standard liberal fare. Another interesting
revolutionary side note: most of the women have
higher testosterone levels than men which led to
most Liberal men shaving their legs.

Most social workers, personal injury attorneys,
journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group
therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the
designated hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to
make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red
meat and still provide for their women.
Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys,
lumberjacks, construction workers, medical doctors,
police officers, corporate executives, soldiers,
athletes, and generally anyone who works
productively outside government. Conservatives who
own companies hire other conservatives who want to
work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to
"govern" the producers and decide what to do with
the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more
enlightened than Americans are. That is why most of
the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives
were coming to America. They crept in after the
Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying
to get MORE for nothing.

Here ends the lesson in world history.